holy sarah, batman!

dear roommates,

there is no magical take out the trash fairy. i am not doing it tonight, seeing as

• i have done it for the past six months pretty much by myself.
• i wasn’t the one who had a party here this weekend to accumulate four bags of trash.

that is all.

jimmyeatenmash:

1. It is irrelevant how many cups of coffee you’ve had if the person who makes the coffee, makes better coffee then you.
2. Coffee is a glorious liquid, that is needed for everyday life.
3. Life is too short to speak slowly.
4. Gnome kicking says a lot about a person’s character.
5. God is a woman.
6. Not all girls want to be a queen.
7. Purple heads will not be denied.
8. The best way to change a dog’s name is slowly.
9. The grumpy bachelor may turn out to be an awesome friend, dad and boyfriend.
10. Putting sugar on your toes will make a dog like you.
11. Salad is bad and leaves an essence.
12. Junk food is always needed when watching a movie.
13. It’s expensive to slowly rot your insides.
14. Some things are mother/daughter things and don’t need any more explanation than that.
15. If you go to an Italian restaurant for a romantic dinner; bring a meatball home.
16. It’s not silly to throw silverware in a public place, especially if you are being mocked.
17. Never just leave; always say goodbye.
18. It’s okay to wallow.
19. If you’re going to kiss someone and the run away, expect to hurt their feelings.
20. Sleep is good; it makes you pretty and keeps your neighbours safe.
21. It’s always a good time for a rant.
22. Breaking up with someone because they aren’t read to say “I love you” back, is silly.
23. Matches or a lighter are helpful things to have at hand.
24. Public breakups should be avoided.
25. The four main food groups are: junk food, frozen food, fast food and takeout. 
26. Tacos are the best cure for a hangover.
27. If you walk around with a Harry Potter book on your head, Harry will die and there wont be any more books (true story).
28. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; whether you have coffee and poptarts or a grapefruit.
29. Bad movies become classics when mockery is introduced; that said classics are classics and must be watched.
30. Money doesn’t mean happiness (ever if you can time-share a plane).
31. Sometimes the Rabbi and the Reverend are really good friends.
32. Always think before you speak or you will be mocked. After all, almost  anything can be “Dirty”.
33. If you have a big toolbox, you don’t need a little one.
34. Your lifelong dream of going to Harvard can change and that’s okay.
35. “Oye” and “Poodles” are funny words. 
36. Backsliding doesn’t mean you’re going to fail.
37. Sex talks with parents are always awkward, no matter how close you are.
38. Married men are off limits.
39. Don’t get engaged and not tell your mother.
40. It isn’t appropriate to tell your parents you got married on an answering machine message.
41. It’s possible for hamsters to be evil and laugh.
42. Always carry a book with you.
43. Swans are evil.
44. Snow is magical.
45. The differences betweens cows and humans is hay.
46. Childbirth is like doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.
47. Ice chips during labour serve no purpose.
48. Its better to have a haunted leg than a cold.
49. Never buy something cause it’s furry.
50. Backwards baseball caps and flannel never go out of style.
51. Woman can name their children after themselves too.
52. Booze is grown up milk and cookies.
53. The lap is an illusion.
54. Bad girls wear red nail polish.
55. Doing laundry is over-rated.
56. There is no such thing as too many books.
57. Saturday is the day of pre-erst.
58. Procrastination is a rule to live by.
59. Nice means bad butt.
60. Throwing your life away for a guy is only worth it if he has a motorcycle.
61. You can’t just tell your husband to get a vasectomy.
62. You can’t mock the mocking.
63. Cats pity the single.
64. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
65. Pro/Con lists solve everything.
66. Tough love is necessary sometimes. 
67. Woman are from Venus, men are bowls of soup.
68. Harvard likes virgins.
69. You might not be proud of what you’ve done but that doesn’t mean you’d change what had happened.
70. You can be special, or “stop eating the paste” special.
71. The greatest bond is that of a mother and her daughter.

“What so great happiness as to be beloved, and to know that we deserve to be beloved? What so great misery as to be hated, and to know that we deserve to be hated?”

- Adam Smith

“Our first ideas of personal beauty and deformity, are drawn from the shape and appearance of others, not from our own. We soon become sensible, however, that others exercise the same criticism upon us. We are pleased when they approve of our figure, and are disobliged when they seem to be disgusted.”

time warner cable is being a big asshole and is not working and it’s THURSDAY. now i know that they might not understand my obsession with the vampire diaries but they really need to get on that.

anyone have a livestream link? PLEASE?

lovelyvampires:

“My dad made meatloaf.”

“I got an F on the quiz.”

“I think I’ll get the nuggets instead of the fries.”

“Damon & I had sex.”

“Man, I really have to pee!”

“Stefan made me cry tonight.”

“I like Pina Coladas & getting caught in the rain.”

“Pikachu I choose you!”

forbittenlove:

Exhibit A: ‘Klaroline’ and ‘Caroline and Klaus’ is trending worldwide on Twitter.